I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
