you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
