Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
as a side note pls kill me
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
