so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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