My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
