you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
