Don't you send me to vm
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
