Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
