Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
