I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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