Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
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I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Less talking, more tequila
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
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The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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