Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
