why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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