I think I died a long time ago.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
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