toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
