Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The feeling are messing with the penis
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Randomize
