my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
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It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
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Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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