I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Everclear isn't food dammit
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