Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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