They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets