fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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