I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
