I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
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Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
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Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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