Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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