she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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