I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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