Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
