god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
