Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
