im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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