My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
