I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
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I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
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Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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