but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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