My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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