i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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