I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I faked an abortion last night.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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