and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
