Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
