Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
