dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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