I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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