I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
