I think I won the penis lottery.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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