apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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