You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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