Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
