I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
