just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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