Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
