Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
