She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
