she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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