I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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