Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
