help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
