Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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