I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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