I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
