i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I want to make a zoo with you.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
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