Got a toothbrush?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
