if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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