we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
