I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
