I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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